"MA MA"

You know, it’s a funny thing that I was writing about heartsoaring/heartbreaking milestones last Friday. That very day when I got J home, I laid him down and got him settled with his toys, walked down the hall to take off my work clothes, and heard this WAIL! “MAA MAA!” Absolutely flat serious, no joke, without a doubt. J started saying “ma ma” on Friday! Could I BE any happier? Nope, don’t think so. All weekend long he kept it up. Unfortunately, he also kept up the whiney, wailing tone. LOL Most of the time that he was saying “ma ma” was when I would dare to get more than three feet away from him. He was quite a little fuss-budget most of the weekend, actually. But that’s ok. We all have our days. He just really needed me, and I was happy to be there when I was needed.

We stayed home all weekend for a change. My mom did some shopping for me, and I never even had to take J out the front door. Yeah! We got a lot of chores done. My floor is actually vacuumed at the moment. LOL

Last night he suddenly decided to be a total Daddy’s boy! R and I were sitting at the table playing a game. We had J in his chair seat at the table playing with some toys. Well, I got a phone call, and J got fussy for his dinner. So since I was talking on the phone and feeding J, R decided to go downstairs for a smoke and get back to the game in a little bit. Well, THAT was NOT going to work for Mr. J! He wanted his daddy! He kept looking at the stairway and he was just fussing and fussing, and refused to open his mouth. He would only turn his head and holler. Finally I picked him up out of his chair and he just looked down the stairs and he’d coo, then listen, then coo, then listen. So I called down and said, Daddy, your boy is calling you. As soon as J heard Daddy’s voice, he started kicking excitedly. Sure enough, as soon as Daddy appeared, J practically dove into his arms and then he was happy as a lark. So I told R what J had done, and he took the bowl and went to feed J the rest of his cereal. The little booger ATE EVERY BITE for his Daddy! LOL Of course, Daddy was then strutting like a peacock. J and I had a bath, and Daddy dried him off, put on his “ba-dreamy” lotion, and his “ba-dreamies” (that would be lavender scented baby lotion and pajamas) and played with him while I got clean. They were both smiling just as big as they could possibly smile. It was the sweetest thing ever.

R starts his new job tonight. He will be hauling groceries from the distribution warehouse to various stores in the general area for a local grocery chain. It will be nights and some weekends, but it is better than going over the road, which is what he was considering. The grain hauling just was not working out for his asthma or our budget. This should be much better, although I will be lonely and miss him terribly. But I would miss him much more if he were over the road and only home two days a month.

Duplicity

So, here it is the end of another week. How do they fly by so quickly? As much as I want the weekdays to go by so that I can spend two wonderful uninterrupted days with my son, every time we tick off one of those weeks just inches us closer and closer to him being all grown up and not my baby anymore. As much as I cheer and feel genuinely elated over every milestone, and every inch of independence he gains, I am really beginning to struggle with the duplicitous nature of my own emotions. I read that “the decision to have a child is to accept that your heart will forever walk about outside your body.” So true, and yet only part of the story. There are so many things that no one tells you about parenthood before you join the club. For starters, they can’t. There is no way to put it into words. And secondly, you wouldn’t be capable of understanding it if they tried. I mean, I am a very intelligent person. But understanding intellectually that you are about to love another person beyond your capacity, and actually experiencing the feeling are wildly different. It’s like the difference between watching Buzz Aldron walk on the moon, and ACTUALLY WALKING ON THE MOON.

So here I am, trying to put into words something I’ve already said cannot be communicated. Why? Because that is who I am. I have had to cope with a lot of heartbreaking events in my lifetime: my parents’ divorce, loss of loved ones, relationship breaking up, and the biggest one to date, the loss of a child. And each and every time I have used writing as the outlet by which I come to terms with my pain and learn about the new person I have become through that experience.

So what is this thing that I am feeling? This double edged sword that has divided my heart in two? It amazes me how emotions that I previously thought were mutually exclusive can swell up in my heart simultaneously. How can a moment make you feel both joyous and depressed? Proud and humbled? Competant and befuddled? Excited and terrified? I am learning that these complex feelings that seem to be opposites are actually the same. They are two sides of the same coin. You think that just growing up, being an adult, is all it takes to mature. That is not so. I see now that there is an aspect of our humanity that cannot be learned outside of parenthood. There is a capacity for love and adoration that cannot be fathomed! There is also an amazing ability to continue to function in spite of a level of pain, fear, anxiety, and self doubt that is beyond measure. So I am learning how to cope with this new found dual faceted emotion I’ll call ‘duplicity.’

I’ve been stewing on this for a few days now. Discussing it with my learned advisors who’ve ‘been there, done that.’ And talking it over with my peers who ‘are there, doing that.’ And they’ve been tremendously helpful. And now what’s been brought to my attention is not only must I learn to cope with it, but I must also come to terms with the fact that I will feel this way FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! This will not only plague me as my child grows out of babyhood, but also as he grows out of boyhood, out of adolescence, into adulthood, into family life, and into parenthood himself. Every step of the way will bring with it both an exquisite joy and a searing pain as a new and wonderful phase of his life opens up before him while a part of life will be sealed forever in the realms of memory only.

So, while I cannot yet say that I have my mind or heart wrapped around this concept, I can say that they are stretching. I suspect that they will continue to stretch and grow daily, as my boy and I do, until one day many years in the future when the metaphorical fingertips just touch each other on the other side as I learn my last lesson on this earth; that my child must continue learning and growing and changing on his own without me while I wait for him with God. And that there is nothing I can do to prevent it. And that he’ll be ok.

Welcome to the World Baby D!

We got the news this morning that my lovely niece L had her baby boy last night. Mommy and baby are doing well after a bit of a rocky ride through labor and delivery. Baby D is healthy and totaly beautiful! He weighed in at 7 lbs. 12 oz. and was 19.5 inches long.

Congratulations L! You did a great job, honey. I am so proud of you!

Sis, it feels so weird to call you a grandma! Congrats and enjoy. This is the funnest part of life. (or so my mom tells me.)

All I've seen so far is a cell phone picture, so as soon as I get one by email, I'll post it for you all!

Picture Perfect

This picture was taken shortly before Christmas. J was mesmarized by watching the snow fall out the window. He laid there staring at it for the longest time.
Here is J catching some Z's with his great grandma. (We call her Grams)
This is a picture of J and D from this past weekend. See previous post about D.
J and D are big buddies!
Here is J giving Big Bird a big kiss.

Well, it looks like the picture problem is fixed, so here are the ones I wanted to share with you.

Weekend recap

Well, apparently there is a problem with uploading pictures on Blogger at the moment. Too bad, as I have some very cute ones for you. I will try again later, but for now, you'll have to settle for text only.

Hello again folks. Well, I didn’t make it back to you on Monday as promised, but I’m here today. That has to count for something. I have been working to clear my desk so as not to cause trouble by leaving something undone because it got buried and forgotten. That has happened and almost happened too many times recently. So I have been busy but rather bored as far as work goes.

The weekend was as wonderful as I expected. Big Bird and her nephew D arrived Friday evening and stayed until about noon on Sunday. She had a bad episode with her breathing on the way here, but D was a big HERO! At only 10 years old he had the maturity and intelligence to not only stay calm, but to get out her oxygen, figure out how it worked, put it on her and turn it on, then reassure her and calm her while she recovered from the episode. Can I just say D, I LOVE YOU! You deserve an award, honey!

For the rest of the weekend everything went well. For the most part we just hung out together and enjoyed one another’s company. We played some pool and air hockey and cards. J soaked up lots of love and attention. He and D were instant buddies. D was amazing with him! They played and loved, and acted silly and laughed. Once when J was being very fussy and I had tried everything I knew how to get him to sleep, D came into the room, and because I didn’t want him to act playful when I was trying to calm J, I said, “I’m trying to get him to sleep.” The little booger just looked up at me and said, “It’s not working out so well, is it?” Then J noticed him there and suddenly went quiet. He was mesmerized, so I left the room while he wasn’t paying attention to me. Next thing I knew, here came little D into the living room telling me “shhhhh.” Yep, he put the baby to sleep. Um, can I keep this kid for, oh, a couple years!!!!! He was an absolute joy to have around, and I hope he comes back to visit me again.

In other news, J has been drinking much less milk lately despite all our efforts. He seems to have some more teeth trying to come in and it is bothering him. He does not like to take his bottle. We consulted with the doctor, and they asked that he be brought in for a weight check. They checked him over and said that all is well and they are satisfied that we are doing all we should by being persistent, using cups, bottles, whatever to get the milk in the tummy, and cutting out juice for now and cutting back on solids. So the official word is that now J weighs 21 pounds, 12 ounces and is 29 inches long! Whew! No wonder I groan every time I stand up with him in my arms!

Unofficially-Nameless Tagged me!

Unofficially-Nameless: Hillsidehollow Tagged me
Cool Dude!: "On the Road Again!"

In this tag you share 6 quirky or weird things about yourself.

1. Link to the person that tagged you.

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Share six non important bizarre things/quirk/habits about yourself.4. Tag six other people, link to their blogs and let them know by posting a comment on their blog.

Here are my six:

1. I will be turning 29 in a couple weeks, and it is BUGGING THE CRAP OUT OF ME! Can't explain why. I don't feel old, just feel like I'm not young anymore. Boo Hoo!

2. I am still creeped out by "under the bed" at night.

3. I cannot sleep unless I clean all the toe jam out from between my toes. (I clean out J's every night too!)

4. I cannot stand other people's feet. I am very creeped out if someone's feet touch me unless they have shoes on. The only exceptions to this are babies and my husband. Years ago I told him that's how I know I truely love him. When I realized I could stand for his feet to touch me, that's when I knew I was in love. I'm completely serious.

5. I've never met my best girlfriend. She lives in another state, and we talk by phone and email, but have never met face to face.

6. I am secretly (not so secret NOW!) thrilled that having a child gives me an excuse to watch Sesame Street and Veggie Tales, and I cannot wait to go see..... ahem.... I mean take J to see Sesame Street Live!

Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away...on my way to where the air is sweet!

Can you tell me how to get...How to get to Sesame Street?

LOL I am inspired! Big Bird is on her way to my house as I am typing. (I assume, as she hasn't called to say "I'm on the road" yet.)

What's that? Oh. You say Big Bird is a boy? Ha Ha, Mine isn't. She's a lovely big-hearted sweet friend who's the only person I know that loves pink even more than me. My dear friend L is coming to visit for the weekend. My mom and I have called her "Big Bird" ever since I was a little girl because she is very tall and blonde and very very sweet. I am really excited. I have not seen her since November, and she has been quite ill, so this will be good medicine for us all. J just adores her, and she reciprocates. She likes to spoil him, and does a darn good job of it. If you can't read it in the picture, his shirt says "My Big Bird Loves Me." Yep, she had it made for him. In two sizes, even!

Now I've got to get going so I can be ready. I will try to find time to tell you how it went on Monday. Have a great weekend, hug the ones you love.